It’s turning cold tonight. First big chill of the year and the wind is whipping outside my bedroom window. As soon as I got home from work I put my yoga pants and fuzzy socks on and got into bed. I haven’t felt well today- physically or emotionally, one impacts the other in my little world.
I can’t really put my finger on the problem, but I hear the doubt whisper to me like the wind outside. We are six months into our official adoption journey, but the events of last week have taken me back to square one. Back to where my hope is clouded and my faith is challenged. If you’ve read adoption blogs and they are all sunshine and rainbows, they are hiding something. God is always faithful to me, no matter how small my faith in Him is. But I will say that I do hear the dark whispers tonight. “God hasn’t given you children because you won’t be a good mom.” Or “You don’t deserve the blessing of a family, otherwise He would have given it freely not taken you down this long and painful road.” Lies. I know it. I preach His goodness and Sovreignty to myself daily. But here I am confessing the condemnation of infertility. And even the poverty of it. If the woman who has many children is to count herself rich, where does that leave the childless? This is hard stuff folks. There is not a trite easy answer. There is only Jesus, who counts the tears of His children just as surely as He counts the hair on their heads.