Adoption changes you. In ways you didn’t know needed to change. I have no comparisons for it. It challenges my middle class suburban mindset. It has shown me glimpses of lives that are so unlike my own, yet so very precious and God breathed. Adoption is wrestling with thoughts that disarm you, feelings that expose you, and a hopefulness that Is inspired by God.
For me, it was fairly easy to set our limits of what we would and wouldn’t accept in a child. For my husband the boundaries were harder to define because, frankly, he has been blessed with a beautiful, optimistic faith that doesn’t feel the need to place so many boundaries on God. I’ve always admired that.
But that’s not how I operate. I want to know what’s coming. Feel prepared. Wrap my head around what’s next. I can be theological and say it’s “counting the cost” and isn’t that admired in Scripture?
In truth I was unprepared for how the reality of the little lives waiting for their families would wrestle with my expectations and ideals and self imposed limits.
And the further we go on the road, the less self limiting I become. The more expectant I become that God will do something huge. And I’ve started looking for it. And in the end it’s possible that our adoption could look very different than we initially thought it would. Because we are starting to say yes to things we would not have considered when we first started with adoption several months ago.
At this point we have seen many situations, our profile has been chosen twice (and it didn’t work out). And shown and rejected several more times. Even greater have been the number of situations in which we have prayed through budgets, logistics, insurance, drug exposures, and other considerations. God has a plan and I don’t for a moment think one ounce of hope or one prayer was wasted. This part has been a privilege.
I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. I believe that You “set the lonely in families,” help me to also believe that You are bigger than all the unknowns and the hard truths of adoption. And that You are orchestrating something beautiful here.